Jesus Laughed

I have to mention at the outset that I could not be described as a Christian. My personal spirituality is so far removed from the Christian doctrine of worship and genuflection that it does not compare. The notion that God came to Earth to take on the Karma of mankind is also Anathema to my way of thinking. However, Christianity is a fascinating religion for many reasons: One of which has to be it's apparent lack of a sense of humor. Jesus hasn't laughed in 2000 years, time to bring back the Laughing Jesus.

For two thousand years the world has been fascinated by a Middle-Eastern legend. A small group of Galileans led by a man named יְהוֹשֻׁעַ (Yehoshua) went around their part of Judaea preaching a return to the fundamental precepts of the Pharisee sect. Their leader, who would become known by the Greek version of his name Iesous eventually anglicized into Jesus, was captured. He was tried and convicted of insurrection. The traditional method of execution for insurrection against Rome was crucifixion. Jesus was crucified according to Roman law with the nature of his crime affixed to the top of the cross. Iesus Nazarenus, Rex Iudaeorum (Jesus of Nazareth, King of the Jews) In other words, he declared himself a King without Roman approval.
That should have been the end of it. There was nothing unusual in his philosophy and Judaea, at that time, had a number of Messiahs all wanting to kick the Romans out and establish a fundamentalist theocratic state. (The Kingdom of God on Earth) Then there appeared stories of an empty tomb and of resurrection. Jesus became, like the incarnations of Krishna in Indian traditions, God himself. With one glaring omission; He had no sense of humor. “Jesus wept” (John 11:35) but where does it say “Jesus laughed”?

The Four Canonical Gospels

The four Gospels contain a number of humorous references. Those jokes and one-liners have been carefully sanitized over the years. Partly because it is particularly Jewish humor and contains some “In Jokes” but mainly because the austere tradition, in which early Christianity developed, could not imagine God laughing. Direct references to Jesus laughing, or at least smiling, can be found in those texts which were read and held sacred by early Christian communities. In time they were excluded by the more popular denominations and so were removed from Orthodox scripture.
An example of how the humor of Jesus has been sanitized is found in Mathew chapter 19. Here a rich young man asks how he can get to Heaven. When he is unwilling to give his wealth to the poor Jesus says "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24)
It has been consistently taught that there was some kind of customs gate into Jerusalem. Where, in order for a camel to enter it must take off all its goods and hobble through on its knees. Not true folks. There never was such a gate. Jesus was kidding, it was hyperbole. Read it again, and you can imagine Jesus with a wry smile making that statement and his followers chuckling. Just like the story of the man with a beam of wood in his eye trying to get a speck of dust out of someone else’s eye. Just like the blind leading the blind until they all fall in a ditch. This is humor, deliberate exaggeration to raise a chuckle. The trouble is they have all been analyzed and dissected over the centuries. Christianity has developed a God who never giggled. That was not always the case.

The Other Gospels
It is hardly credible that the only people to write about the events in Galilee at the start of the Christian era were the handful of people mentioned as authors in the New Testament. There are a number of other texts that have come to light. Dated from the early Christian era they present a different view to the traditional one.

The Gospel of Philip:
Primarily a collection of Theological statements; Chapter 74 v 30-35 contains;
“And as soon as Christ went down into the water he came out laughing at everything of this world, not because he considers it a trifle, but because he is full of contempt for it. He who wants to enter the Kingdom of Heaven will attain it”

The Apocalypse of Peter:
This document claims to be a revelation given to Peter explained by Jesus. This book reveals the intention of God regarding the end of the world. It is in the same genre as the “Apocalypse” or “Revelations” in the New Testament.
Chapter 81 v 16-19 contains; “The Savior said to me. ‘He whom you saw on the tree, glad with laughing, this is the living Jesus.”
Chapter 82 V 4-5 contains; “And I saw someone about to approach us resembling him, even him who was laughing on the tree.”
Chapter 82 v 27 “But he who stands near him is the living savior, the first in him, whom they seized and released, who stands joyfully looking at those who did him violence, while they are divided among themselves. Therefore he laughs at their lack of perception, knowing that they are born blind.”

The Sophia of Jesus Christ:
This is basically a tract. It combines a number of early Christian Theologies mostly from the Gnostic tradition.
Chapter 91 v 25 “The savior laughed and said to them; What are you thinking about? Why are you perplexed?”

The second treatise of the great Seth:
One of the early Gnostic scriptures, it is in the form of a dialogue allegedly spoken by Jesus. The name “Seth” does not appear anywhere in the work only in the title. It is assumed that for “Seth” read “Jesus”
Chapter 53 v 32 “But I (Jesus) laughed joyfully when I examined his empty glory.”
Chapter 56 v 19 “And I was laughing at their ignorance”

What If?
Christianity has shaped the culture and belief systems of the western world. That small group of Galileans changed history and placed the Hebrew God at the center of Theology. The result has been wars and the burning alive of those who disagreed. There have been schisms and quarrels that still haunt the religions of the world. It is often entertaining, and sometimes instructive, to play a “What if?” game. What if Christianity had followed a different path? What if other scriptures were included in the canon? What if Christianity was based around a joyful God, A God who laughed? Would history have been very different if, instead of crying with Christ, Christians had giggled with God?

A FARMBOY AND FATHERHOOD

I have been at the birth of two of my children. The first miracle is the miracle of birth; the second is that I’m still alive after the first time. Before I was allowed anywhere near the hospital for the birth of our second I had to swear a solemn oath, more sacred than the one I swore at our wedding, that I would behave.
I left school when I was 15 and went to work on farms. I travelled quite a bit, even as a teenager, around Wales and Scotland. I learned a lot about farming, mostly cattle and sheep, a little with horses and some with pigs. I was also around to help with the birthing, so seeing a woman have a baby was nothing to me; after all, I’d helped with the birthing of all kinds of animals so how different could it be. A word here to any young man who may be as naïve as I was, women can be very cranky when they are in labor. I’ve helped some fussy animals in my time, I nearly was kicked more than once by a mare and I nearly got my hand bit off by a bitch I was being helpful to but women have them all beat.
My wife and I both got married late in life. Due to circumstances I am sure were beyond my control I found myself in California, married and waiting the birth of our first child. A year and seven days after our wedding the moment arrived. We went off to the Kaiser Permanante hospital on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles where I was told I could be in attendance for the birth. It had been many years since I had worked on the farm but I was sure my birthing skills had not deserted me.
For the city folk who may be reading this I should explain that four legged animals are born with their front hooves coming out first followed by the head between the shoulders. Sometimes the mother has trouble giving birth so it becomes necessary to tie some twine around the young ones hooves and gently ease it on out. So I told the doctor I would be proud and happy to help and if he would pass me the ball of twine I’d stand by, ready to give it the old Heave-Ho. This offer of assistance did not find favor with my wife who was threatening to make room on Earth for a new human by getting rid of an old one. Like I said, cranky.
Well, it seems that the poor dear was having a very difficult time of it and after about three hours of struggling the doctor decided she would have to have a cesarean. I wasn’t happy about that but I understood that what has to be done should be done. My mind went back to my farm days and how I would help the vet with this procedure. The mother would be injected with Novocain prior to the operation. A four legged animal cannot rise to its feet if its head is held to the ground. I would hold her down while the vet performed the cesarean. The doctor quickly informed me that it would not be necessary in this case, my wife only having two legs and the ability to understand that she is to lie still.
In the hospital room I was doing my best to comfort her. The poor thing was wired everywhere. There was a blood pressure monitor, a heart monitor, Demerol was being fed into her and an I V and I’m not sure what else while preparations were being made. I was standing over her, holding her hand and doing my best to be comforting when she muttered something. She was drugged up and I couldn’t hear it so I just said;
"It’s alright love, I’m here you don’t have to worry.” Then she muttered something again, I took a wild guess at what she was saying and I replied;
"I know and I love you too” She kept on muttering so I leaned down close and said “What is it you’re trying to say?” She said
“You’re standing on the I V”
It came time at last to go into the operating room and I was there like a trooper cheering her on. “You are doing great” I said cheerily. “So you’re a doctor now?” was the reply. Like I said, women are cranky around times like this.
There was a program on television around this time called “Chicago Hope” and in that the surgeons always played music in the operating theatre. I was looking forward to some Rock and Roll, though I was willing to accept heavy metal. I was surprised that there were no sounds. As I was mentioning this to the doctor my wife, in her drug induced state, was saying “I can’t believe he said that”
Finally our son was born, a fine healthy boy. My wife asked me if it was a boy and I replied, with admiration in my voice “Hell yeah! He’s born with a bigger one than my grandpa died with.” He’s a fine healthy boy today; he’s taller than me, well educated and a good son. The other day he came home with his school report card. He had an “A” in everything but a “B” in English. I told him I was very proud of him. No Welsh boy should ever get more than a “B” in English.

 

 

THE WISDOM OF ODIN

          Odin stands unique amongst Gods. He doesn’t claim to know everything. In fact Odin is always seeking out greater and deeper wisdom and knowledge. Within Germanic, frequently miss-spoken of as Norse, mythology, Odin knows that one day he will die. In the great and final battle of Ragnarok it is prophesied He will be kiled by the Wolf, Fenrir. This does not in any way hold him back. Odin lives with vigor and there is a zest for life in all the stories associated with Him and the rest of the Aesir, the race of Gods. Significantly he seeks to deepen his wisdom and knowledge. An example of this is the tale of how he obtained the wisdom of the deep and gave the price demanded without grudge or hesitation.
                                                 HOW ODIN LOST HIS EYE

            Above all else Odin desired knowledge and wisdom. The All-Father of Gods and man sat on his throne in Asgard, his all-seeing eyes showing him all that took place in all the nine worlds. His Ravens, Hugin (thought) and Munin (Memory) brought him news of things hidden.
            It is said that there is a mighty ash tree named Yggdrasil whose branches reach up into Asgard where the mighty Aesir live while its roots sink far below the lowest depth. The Ravens brought Odin word of a sacred well hidden below the roots of Yggdrasil, where Ocean and Sky meet. This well had been guarded from before the beginning of time by the giant Mimir. To drink from this well was to obtain wisdom the like of which was nowhere to be found. So Odin approached Mimir and asked that he might drink from the well. At first the giant refused but Odin persisted and offered in payment whatever the giant might ask. First Mimir asked;
             "Why do you wish to drink from the well?"
          Odin replied; "With my all-seeing eyes I can see all that takes place in the nine worlds but I cannot see what takes place in the depths of the Ocean. The wisdom of the deep is hidden from me. The well which you guard can give me this knowledge. I am Odin and I would know all things."
          Then Mimir replied; "I will let you drink but in payment you must give one of your eyes to the well." This sacrifice the All-Father gladly made and after taking his fill of the waters of the well, he plucked out one of his eyes and cast it into the deep well where it remains today. Now it is said that any that drink from this well will have the greatest of wisdom and will also have the power of the all-seeing eye.
                                                            HAVAMAL

            It is said that Odin often walks the Earth and speaks with the people of this World. He is generally seen as an older man with a long beard, a grey cloak with a blue hood and a wide brimmed hat that is tilted down to hide his missing eye. While journeying amongst mankind He imparts his wisdom.
The following are extracts from the Havamal or The Words of the Most High. This is an Icelandic Poem dated from around 1000AD it purports to be the words and wisdom of Odin to His people.

Before one would advance through each doorway,
One must look about and peer around,
Because one can't know for sure
Where enemies sit in the hall beforehand.
There is need of fire for him who is come in
 With cold knees;
There is need of food and clothes for the man
Who has journeyed on the mountainside.

A man must not be boastful in his mind,
But wary in disposition;
When he, wise and silent, comes to the homestead,
Misfortune rarely befalls the wary,
Because man can never have a more reliable guide
Than great common sense.

Do not let a man hold on to a goblet,
But let him drink mead in moderation,
Let him talk sense or be silent.

No man blames you of bad manners,
That you go early to sleep.

The day must be praised in the evening,
A woman, when she is cremated,
A sword, when it is proven,
A maiden, when she is given away,
Ice, when it is crossed,
Ale, when it is drunk.

Often they don't precisely know, those who sit first in a house,
Whose kinsmen they are who come (later):

No man is so good that no fault follows him,
Nor so bad that he is of no use.

         The Nine Noble Virtues and the Nine Charges

From the Havamal, and it is quite a lengthy poem, have been derived the Nine Noble Virtues and the Nine Charges.

The Nine noble Virtues:
Courage
Truth
Honour
Fidelity
Discipline
Hospitality
Self Reliance
Industriousness
Perseverance

The Nine Charges were, like the Nine Noble Virtues, codified by the Odinic Rite in the 1970s.

1) To maintain candour and fidelity in love and devotion to the tried friend: though he strike me I will do him no scathe.
2) Never to make wrongsome oath: for great and grim is the reward for the breaking of plighted troth.
3) To deal not hardly with the humble and the lowly.
4) To remember the respect that is due to great age.
5) To suffer no evil to go unremedied and to fight against the enemies of Faith, Folk and Family: my foes I will fight in the field, nor will I stay to be burnt in my house.
6) To succour the friendless but to put no faith in the pledged word of a stranger people.
7) If I hear the fool's word of a drunken man I will strive not: for many a grief and the very death groweth from out such things.
8) To give kind heed to dead men: straw dead, sea dead or sword dead.
9) To abide by the enactments of lawful authority and to bear with courage the decrees of the Norns.

So if you meet a kindly old man with his hat pulled down over one eye. Pay attention to what he says and treat his words with respect. You never know who you may be talking to.

The Druid's Apple

When the first Christian missionaries arrived in North West Europe they encountered a people known as the Celts with a reverence for Apples.
Of course the people didn’t refer to themselves by that name. They used whatever their tribal designation was. Loyalty to the tribe was of first importance. Though they were divided as tribes they generally shared a common spirituality. A spirituality based on closeness to the land, to the seasons and a reverence for the forces of nature that could nurture them or destroy them. The Priests and Judges of their spirituality were the Druids.  The Druids believed that Apples were sacred,
So the Christians told the story of Adam and Eve and though their Bible held no reference to Apples, they told the people that the forbidden fruit was the same fruit that the Druids held as sacred. They spread the story that the Apple was the fruit used by their god of evil to draw Adam and Eve into wickedness and death. The story can still be heard today but that twisting of the tale was pure propaganda.
So why was the Apple sacred to the Druids? What was the secret that the Christians wanted to hide?

The Apple and the Pentacle.

The secret of the Apple

It was believed in those days that the World was made of five elements; those elements were; Earth, Air, Fire and Water. The fifth element that bound them all together was Spirit. These elements were usually represented by a Pentacle, a five pointed star. If you take an Apple and place it on its side and instead of cutting it from stem to flower, cut it through the equator. You will see that in the center of an apple is a Pentacle. Inside the Pentacle lie the Apple seeds so the pentacle holds the seeds of life. If anyone would eat the Apple seeds they would detect a somewhat bitter taste. This is because Apple seeds contain arsenic. A very small dose and quite harmless but a large enough quantity could be lethal. So the Apple contains a Pentacle with the seeds of Life and Death.
This was the secret of the Apple. The reason why it was so sacred and holds such an important place in the spiritual life of those of us today who seek the wisdom of our forefathers, lies in its symbolism. A simple fruit that nourishes nurtures and teaches a lesson that reaches out of our past into our lives today.

The legend of Taliesin and the Cauldron of Ceridwen

This is probably the most profound of old Welsh legends. There is a 6th century parchment containing one of Taliesin's poems , "Y Gododdin" at Jesus college Oxford. There is no doubt that a Poet by the name of Taliesin existed. His story is allegorical. A careful reading reveals the training that a Bard went through, here at the hands of a Welsh Goddess, before being transformed from Gwion Bach (Lttle Innocent) to Taliesin (Radiant Brow) Poetry is described as having a "Fire in the head"
The following is taken from the original Welsh with frequent reference to English translators to make sure I was getting it right.

 

Gwion Bach

In the early days of the reign of Arthur, there lived a man of noble birth called Tegid Foel. He lived with his wife Ceridwen on an island on the lake that is still named for him today, Llyn Tegid. They had two children, a daughter Creirwy, fairest maid in all the land and a son Morfran. As Creirwy was fair, he was foul. The ugliest man in the world, he was known as Afagddu (Utter Darkness) for only in the darkest part of night could he be looked upon. His mother despaired that he would ever find favor in the noble courts of men unless he had some merit to counter his ugliness.

So Ceridwen bore herself to the hidden city of glass and there consulted with the Fferyllt and from their wisdom and arts she returned home and at the edge of the lake she began to boil a cauldron of inspiration for her son. She found a young boy, Gwion Bach, to stir the cauldron and fetch the wood for the fire and an old blind man, Morda, to keep the fire kindled. She instructed them that they were to keep it boiling for a year and a day, during which time she, according to the phases of the moon and the alignment of the stars, gathered herbs to put in the cauldron at their appointed times.

One day, towards the end of the year, as Ceridwen was making incantations, three drops of the charmed liquor flew out and landed on the hand of Gwion Bach. Because of the great heat he instinctively put his hand to his mouth. In the instant that he did so he foresaw all that was to come and he knew that his greatest danger lay in the wrath of Ceridwen. Gwion fled.

When Ceridwen saw that her labor of the year was lost and that Gwion Bach now had the blessings of the potion, she chased after him to kill him. When Gwion saw Ceridwen chasing him he turned himself into a Hare. For the cauldron, among many other things, had given him the power of Fith Fath, the shape changer. Ceridwen changed herself into a Greyhound and was almost upon him when he leaped into a river and turned himself into a Salmon. Ceridwen turned herself into an Otter and was almost upon him again when he jumped out of the river and became a wren. Ceridwen followed as a Hawk and gave him no rest. Just as she was about to swoop down on him he saw a barn with a pile of wheat on the floor. He dived in and transformed himself into a grain of wheat and hid from her. Ceridwen turned herself into a red crested black hen and pecked at the wheat until she found Gwion and she ate him.

When she returned to human form Ceridwen discovered that she was pregnant and for nine months she bore Gwion in her womb. When she delivered him she found she was unable to kill him because of his great beauty. So she wrapped him in a leather bag and cast him into the sea. This was on the 29th day of April.

 

Taliesin

In those days, between Dyfi and Aberystwyth lay the weir of Gwyddno Garanhir. Gwyddno had an only son named Elphin. Elphin was the most unlucky of men. It grieved his father for it seemed that Elphin was born in an evil hour. Everything that Elphin attempted came to naught and good fortune was never with him.

That year Gwyddno allowed his son alone to draw from the weir. For the weir had never given less than one hundred pounds of fish at that time of year. In so doing Gwyddno hoped to turn around his son's bad fortune. The next day when Elphin went to look there was nothing in the weir. He was about to turn away when he saw a black bag caught in the nets. With the aid of the weir guards he drew the bag out and within was a child whose brow was shining with a radiant light. Then one of the weir guards exclaimed "Gweled y Daliesin" (Behold the radiant brow) Elphin replied "Then Taliesin (Radiant brow) he shall be named." Then Elphin carried the boy in his arms and carefully rode with him back to his house. All the way lamenting that he still had no good fortune and nothing to show but an abandoned child.

Then did Taliesin speak for the first time and foretold honor for Elphin and the first words he spoke were a poem called "Y Dyhuddiant" (The consolation)

"Fair Elphin, cease to lament let no one be dissatisfied with his own,
To despair will bring no advantage. No man sees what supports him;
The prayers of Cynllo will not be in vain God will not violate his promise
Never in Gwyddno's weir was there such good luck as this night
Fair Elphin, dry thy cheeks, being too sad will not avail
Although thou thinkest thou hast no gain, too much grief will bring thee no good.
Nor doubt the miracles of the Gods
Although I am little I am highly gifted
From seas and from mountains and from the depths of rivers
The Gods bring wealth to the fortunate man.
Elphin of lively qualities, thy resolution is unmanly.
Thou must not be ever sorrowful, better to trust in the Gods than to forbode ill.
Weak and small as I am, on the foaming beach of the ocean,
In the day of trouble I shall be of more service to thee than three hundred salmon.
Elphin of notable qualities be not displeased at thy misfortune
Although reclined thus, weak in my bag, there lies a virtue in my tongue.
While I continue thy protector thou hast not much to fear.
Remembering the names of the Gods, none shall be able to harm thee."
And from that time forth Elphin had good fortune and was of good cheer wherever he went.

A Little Jest of Robin Hood

The earliest complete tale of Robin Hood comes from a 16th cebtury ballad called "A little jest of Robin Hood" I have taken the Rhyme made by Sue Bradbury and converted a small piece of the ballad into this tale. As well as being a humorous yarn it also reveals earlier tales of the Green man the God of the forest who gave shelter and aid to those in need. There may even be remnants of Goddess worship in this tale. But most of all, enjoy.

In the days when the forests of England spread across the land, it was said that a Squirrel could leave Scotland and pilgrimage to Canterbury and its feet need never touch the ground. In such a time there lived a proud outlaw named Robin Hood.
Robin had a custom, that before he would eat his dinner he must hear three masses; One for the Father, one for the Holy Spirit and one for Mary, our Lady and mother of our Lord. For her, he loved the most. She kept him from mortal sin and such was his regard for her that he would never harm a woman.
One day he stood in Barnsdale, leaning against a tree. With him were his companions, John Naelor, whom men called Little John, Will Scathlock and Much the Miller’s son. Little John’s stomach was rumbling, “We should eat,” He declared. “It would do us all good.”
“I’m not yet ready to dine,” replied Robin, with a grin. “Not until I’ve met with a bold Baron or at least a squire.”
“Very well,” replied John with a grin that matched Robin’s mirth. “So tell me, what to do? Where to go? What should I take or leave behind? Where do I rob?” his grin got broader as he asked “Where do I find my pleasures?”
Robin laughed. “These then are our laws and if we agree to bide them we shall do well. Do not harm a hard working Farmer, nor harm the Yeoman who wanders the greenwood. Neither harm you a good Knight or his squire. Bishops and Archbishops you may beat as you will. Be watchful for the Sheriff of Nottingham, do not let that wicked man take you.”
"We'll keep that reed ,” said Little John. “It can be our lesson but God send us a guest, my stomach says it is late.”
“I’ll stay here” said Robin. “You, Much and Will Scathlock go to Sayles and up to Watling Street. Wait there and whoever passes, bring him to me and we’ll all dine together.”
So the three went to Sayles but there was no one on the road until they looked down towards Barnsdale. They saw a knight approaching. He had such a sorrowful look on his face, with one foot on his stirrup and the other dangling. His hood hung over his eyes. A sadder, depressed fellow they had never seen.
Little John stepped out in front of the knight and bowing deeply said, “Welcome gentle knight and welcome to the greenwood. My master would have you dine with him this evening.”
“Who is your master?” asked the knight.
“Robin Hood.” answered John.
“A good Yeoman,” said the knight. I have heard a lot of good of him so though I thought to dine in Blythe or Doncaster, instead I will dine with Robin Hood.”
John and Will rode each side of the knight with Much leading the way. The three were thinking that this was cheery company indeed. For as they rode, tears were streaming down the knight’s face.
When they arrived at Robin’s lodge he was standing at the door. With a wide grin he doffed his cap and bowed courteously.
“Welcome sir knight. I have been three long hours without food and I would not eat without a guest at my table.”
The knight replied. “God save you Robin and all your company.”
Robin set a goodly table, shamelessly feasting on the King’s deer as well as Pheasant. Bread, fruit and wine were all in abundance.
“Should I come again to this country,” said the knight. “I’ll make as good a feast for you as you have made for me.”
“I thank you sir,” said Robin. “But before you go you must pay for the feast you have enjoyed. It is not proper that humble Yeomen such as we should pay for a knight.”
“For my shame I have nothing,” replied the knight.
“Before God tell me the truth,” said Robin.
“In God’s truth I have only ten shillings,” replied the knight.
Robin looked keenly into the knight’s sorrowful eyes. “If that is all you have I’ll not take a penny from you. Indeed, if you need more I will loan you.”
He turned to Little John. “Tell me what you see.”
Little John laid out the knight’s cloak and all his belongings. “The knight speaks true,” he said.
“Pour the best wine,” said Robin.
“I thought your clothes were thin. Now tell me a thing and then we’ll speak no more of it. Was your estate destroyed by debt or lechery? Have you misspent your life?”
“Nay, nay good Robin. My fathers were honorable knights for a thousand years. It often happens that a good man’s estate may suffer a cruel fate. Two years ago I could have spent four hundred pounds but now I have nothing except my children and my wife.”
“How have you lost all your wealth?” asked Robin.
“Through folly and kindness. I have a son, my heir, twenty winters has he seen and he loves to joust. He slew a Lancastrian knight and his squire. To save his honor and his life I sold all my goods. Also I had to pledge in bond my lands for a certain day, to a rich Abbot who lives nearby in St. Mary’s Abbey.”
“What do you owe?” Asked Robin.
“Four hundred pounds,” replied the knight.
“Where are your friends?” asked Robin
“Good Robin, in my wealth they boasted that they knew me but now I am shunned. They act as though they knew me not.”
Robin looked at his companions and saw that even Little John and Much who had seen sorrow had tears in their eyes at the knight’s tale.
“Have you some friend who would be your warrant for your loan?” asked Robin.
“I have no friend save Him who died at Calvary,” replied the knight.
“Do not jest with me,” said Robin. “I need not the warrant of God or Peter or Paul or John. I need a better warrant than this so find one.”
“In truth Robin, I have no other lest it be our Lady. She has never failed me.”
“Though I search all my life” said Robin “I could find no better warrant. Little John, go to my treasury and count out the money.”
“Is this well done, think you?” asked Much.
“What else can we do?” asked Little John “For a good man come to such poverty.”
“Master!” said Little John “His clothes are so thin and we have cloth of scarlet and green. Can we not give him a livery?”
“Three yards of every color. “ And giving John a sly wink Robin added, “And measure it well.”
Little John measured with his bow and somehow managed to add another three feet to each cloth. “You must be the Devil’s draper,” cried Much.
Will Scathlock laughed. “Giving the knight good measure costs Little John light.”
“Now, gentle master,” said John. “You must give the knight a horse.”
“Indeed,” said Robin “With a new saddle, for he is our Lady’s messenger.”
“And a good palfrey,” added Much.
“And a pair of boots fit for a gentle knight,” said Will.”
“What will you grant him John?” asked Robin.
“Fine gilt spurs and may he be lifted out of his woe,” replied John.
When all had been granted Robin spoke to the knight “When may I require you, sir?”
“Set a day,” replied the knight.
“Then, gentle knight, let it be one year from now. You will pay your debt under this tree.” A twinkle came to Robin’s eye then. “And as it is a shame for any knight to ride unaccompanied, I’ll lend you Little John to serve you.”
The knight and Little John rode away and when the knight looked on Barnsdale he blessed the noblest company he had ever met.
As they rode, the knight confided in Little John. “Tomorrow I must go to York and unto Saint Mary’s Abbey. For if I do not pay the Abbot of that place the full four hundred pounds, my land is lost for good.”
Now the Abbot did not expect payment for the loan and so had gathered the Chief Justice of England and the Sheriff of Nottingham as well as other notables to witness the forfeiture of the debt.
On the morrow, when the debt was due, all sat in the great hall awaiting the days occurrences when the knight came to the gate.
“Welcome sir knight!” said the Porter. “My Lord and many a fine gentleman are at their feast.” He swore under his breath, “God’s truth, these are the finest horses I ever did see.” He ordered the stable boys to have them fed and eased but the knight refused.
“Until I am assured they will stay outside.”
Entering the great hall he called out, “Sir Abbot, I have kept my day.”
The first words of the Abbot were, “Do you have the payment?”
“Not a penny piece,” replied the knight.
“Why come you?” asked the Abbot “If you cannot pay your debt.”

The knight went down humbly upon his knee before that company and said “Before God and you, I beg a longer stay.”
“Your time is up, ‟ said the Abbot “your land is forfeit.”
“Good Sir Justice” pleaded the knight “Defend me.”
“I will not,” replied the Justice. “I took the Abbot’s fee and gifts for this service.”
“Then good Sir Sheriff,” cried the knight “Be my friend.”
“Nay before God I will not,” replied the Sheriff.
“Good Sir Abbot” then said the knight. “Be my friend and in all courtesy hold my land in fee. I will serve you and gladly honor you until you have from me four hundred pounds.”
“By God” swore the Abbot “You will get no release from me.”
The knight looked all around that noble company and admonished them. “Ill fair it is to find a friend when a fair friend you need.”
The Abbot’s face went dark. He called the knight a “Villain” and “False” and ordered him from the hall.
Then the gentle knight said. “You lie in your hall. I was never a villain false.” Then rising to his feet he continued “It is not courteous that you make me kneel so long.” Then going to the table he took out his bag and shook out four hundred pounds.
“Take back your gold Sir Abbot, Had you shown me courtesy I would have repaid you more.” Then turning to the Sheriff and the company there to witness, he declared “I have kept my day and I will have my land again.”
He went from that place with a merry heart and cast off all his cares. He met his Lady at the gate to his land in Verysdale. “Welcome my Lord” said she “And is our land lost for good?”
“Be merry my good wife,” he replied. “And pray for Robin Hood. May his soul ever be in bliss. Were it not for him, beggars would we be. Through his kindness I have settled everything with the Abbot and will repay that good yeoman a year hence.”
The gentle knight dwelt happily and gathered the four hundred pounds with which to repay Robin. He hired a hundred men, armed and equipped with himself at the head, then rode out to Barnsdale. A merry sight indeed.
On their way the knight passed by a wrestling match upon a bridge. He stopped to see what was afoot. All the best yeomen were there fighting for a fine white bull. Many other prizes were also waiting for the claim of the best. Yet, there was one man whose worthiness was plain but he was far from friends and home. The knight feared this man would be slain and took pity on him and vowed, for love of Robin Hood, that he would come to no harm. He marched in with his men and stopped the play on that good yeoman and offered a drink to all that were there and so stayed while the games were on.
While Robin waited for his feast till mid-afternoon, a merry tale is told of how the knight released Little John for him to serve the Sheriff of Nottingham and how the Sheriff rued that bargain. That tale will be told in another place. Little John was back with Robin when the knight’s debt was due.
“Let us dine,” said Little John.
“Nay, we cannot,” said Robin. “Our Lady must be wroth with me for she has not sent me my pay.”
“Doubt not.” Said John “The knight is true and the sun has not yet set. I swear he will repay you.”
“Take your bow Little John and take Much and Will Scathlock too. Go again to Sayles and so to Watling Street and wait there for whatever guest you may bring. If he be rich or poor, I’ll give him all my best.”
So the three went again to Sayles and stood in the same spot as before but saw no one until, looking towards Barnsdale, hey saw a pair of monks on good palfreys riding their way.
“I’ll pledge my life” said Little John “That these two monks have Robin’s pay.”
Then John stepped out into the path and drawing his bow said “Monk, ride no further. Your life is in my hand. You have bad luck this day for my master is angry that you have kept him from his food.”
“Who is your master?” asked the Monk.
John answered. “Robin Hood.”
“I never heard much good of that thief,” replied the Monk.
“You will regret that lie,” said John. “For Robin now requires you to dine with him. Send the other fellow away. One Monk is enough to dine with.”
They brought the Monk to Robin’s lodge though he was loath to go. At the door of the lodge Robin threw back his hood and showed the Monk his face. The Monk was not so courteous and left his hood up.
“By God,” said Little John “He’s nothing but a churl. I care nothing for a man who knows no courtesy.”
“Blow your horn John,” said Robin. “And call our company to dine.”
Seven score men came through the greenwood then to dine with Robin and his guest. The Monk was given leave to wash and dry and then was served with food of the best.
“Eat well, Sir Monk and tell me, here do you make your vows? Where is your Abbey?”
“Saint Mary’s Abbey, where I am the high cellarer.”
“You are more than welcome then,” said Robin. “Give him the best of all our wines that he may drink to me. And yet I marvel. Through all this day I have not received my pay. Surely my Lady must be angered of me.”
“Fear not,” said Little John. “The Monk is from Her Abbey surely he has brought you your pay.”
“She was the Knight’s warrant, tis true” said Robin “Sir Monk, do you come with silver? Let me see it and I will help you whenever you have need.”
The Monk swore an oath. “I never heard of such a warranty,” he said.
“I swear to God it is so,” said Robin. “God is held to be a righteous man and so is his mother and you have told me with your own mouth that you serve her every day. So you must be her messenger with the money that is owed me. Therefore I do thank you for dining with me this day.”
“Sir!” cried the Monk. “Lord strike me but I have only twenty marks in my coffers.”
“If that is all you have Sir Monk then I’ll not take a penny and for love of our Lady, if you have need, I’ll lend you more but if you speak false then all your money is forfeit.”|Then Little John spread out the Monk’s cloak and counted out eight hundred pounds.
“We have a true servant of our Lady” said John “For here is double what you lent.”
“I vow to God,” said Robin. “Of all the women in the world our Lady is the most true. Now fill the Monk’s glass and bid him drink to our Lady’s health while you search through his coffers on yonder horse.”
“By God!” said the monk “That is less than kind. To bid me to dinner then to beat me and bind me.”
“It is our custom,” said Robin. “To leave little behind. Have one more drink at least.”
“Nay,” said the Monk. “I’m sorry I came so near you. It would have been cheaper far for me to have dined in Blyth or Doncaster than here.”
“Then greet well your Abbot from me,” said Robin. “And bid him send me such a Monk as you to dine with me every day.”
Soon after the Monk had left the Knight rode up to greet Robin and his company. The knight jumped down from his palfrey and dropped to one knee before Robin.
“God save you good Robin and your merry men.”
“Right welcome to you gentle knight,” said Robin.
“Do you have your land again?”
“Yes and for that I thank God and you. Forgive me the tardiness of my hour but on the way here I saw a wrestling match where they would steal the prize from the winner, so I tarried to aid him. Take it not amiss.”
“No by God,” said Robin “A knight who aids a yeoman shall always be my friend.”
“Here then,” said the knight. “Is the four hundred pounds you lent me and twenty marks to thank you for your courtesy.”
"Keep it all,” said Robin. “I have already been paid. Our Lady sent her cellarer and I am paid in full.”
Then Robin told the tale and he and the knight laughed long and merrily.
“Now sir knight,” said Robin. “Use the money well and by my truth, you will never need while I can do you good.”
This then, is how Robin Hood saved a good Knight and succored a man in need. Our Lady grants us that we too may do right.

A Farmboy and Fatherhood

I thought I'd write something a bit different. This is an autobiographical tale about the birth of my child. Magical and dangerous.......For me that is;

I have been at the birth of two of my children. The first miracle is the miracle of birth; the second is that I’m still alive after the first time. Before I was allowed anywhere near the hospital for the birth of our second I had to swear a solemn oath, more sacred than the one I swore at our wedding, that I would behave.

I left school when I was 15 and went to work on farms. I travelled quite a bit, even as a teenager, around Wales and Scotland. I learned a lot about farming, mostly cattle and sheep, a little with horses and some with pigs. I was also around to help with the birthing, so seeing a woman have a baby was nothing to me; after all, I’d helped with the birthing of all kinds of animals so how different could it be. A word here to any young man who may be as naïve as I was, women can be very cranky when they are in labor. I’ve helped some fussy animals in my time, I nearly was kicked more than once by a mare and I nearly got my hand bit off by a bitch I was being helpful to but women have them all beat.

My wife and I both got married late in life. Due to circumstances I am sure were beyond my control I found myself in California, married and waiting the birth of our first child. A year and seven days after our wedding the moment arrived. We went off to the Kaiser Permanante hospital on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles where I was told I could be in attendance for the birth. It had been many years since I had worked on the farm but I was sure my birthing skills had not deserted me.

For the city folk who may be reading this I should explain that four legged animals are born with their front hooves coming out first followed by the head between the shoulders. Sometimes the mother has trouble giving birth so it becomes necessary to tie some twine around the young ones hooves and gently ease it on out. So I told the doctor I would be proud and happy to help and if he would pass me the ball of twine I’d stand by, ready to give it the old Heave-Ho. This offer of assistance did not find favor with my wife who was threatening to make room on Earth for a new human by getting rid of an old one. Like I said, cranky.

Well, it seems that the poor dear was having a very difficult time of it and after about three hours of struggling the doctor decided she would have to have a cesarean. I wasn’t happy about that but I understood that what has to be done should be done. My mind went back to my farm days and how I would help the vet with this procedure. The mother would be injected with Novocain prior to the operation. A four legged animal cannot rise to its feet if its head is held to the ground. I would hold her down while the vet performed the cesarean. The doctor quickly informed me that it would not be necessary in this case, my wife only having two legs and the ability to understand that she is to lie still.

In the hospital room I was doing my best to comfort her. The poor thing was wired everywhere. There was a blood pressure monitor, a heart monitor, Demerol was being fed into her and an I V and I’m not sure what else while preparations were being made. I was standing over her, holding her hand and doing my best to be comforting when she muttered something. She was drugged up and I couldn’t hear it so I just said;

“It’s alright love, I’m here you don’t have to worry.” Then she muttered something again, I took a wild guess at what she was saying and I replied;

“I know and I love you too” She kept on muttering so I leaned down close and said “What is it you’re trying to say?” She said

“You’re standing on the I V”

It came time at last to go into the operating room and I was there like a trooper cheering her on. “You are doing great” I said cheerily. “So you’re a doctor now?” was the reply. Like I said, women are cranky around times like this.

There was a program on television around this time called “Chicago Hope” and in that the surgeons always played music in the operating theatre. I was looking forward to some Rock and Roll, though I was willing to accept heavy metal. I was surprised that there were no sounds. As I was mentioning this to the doctor my wife, in her drug induced state, was saying “I can’t believe he said that”

Finally our son was born, a fine healthy boy. My wife asked me if it was a boy and I replied, with admiration in my voice “Hell yeah! He’s born with a bigger one than my grandpa died with.”

He’s a fine healthy boy today; he’s taller than me, well educated and a good son. The other day he came home with his school report card. He had an “A” in everything but a “B” in English. I told him I was very proud of him. No Welsh boy should ever get more than a “B” in English.